Phoenix

I feared loss
I feared hate
I feared laughter
I feared seeing the twinkle in my eye
I feared failure
I feared the spot light

I still am afraid
I feared till I burst into flames

In the aftermath
Among the ashes
I found my high

I learned to let go
I learned to love
I learned to laugh
I learned to step over my failure
I learned to be the spot light

I still am afraid

I let it consume me
Till I burst into flames

But then again
I learned that to overwhelm-burst into flames and rise up
Is what I’ll have to do
Till the day I do, what has been willed of me

I still am afraid
I fear till I burst into flames

… “It’s best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes.”
– ANNE BAXTER

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The Parallel Universes

When you think about ‘The Parallel Universes’, there are too many things that cross our thoughts, and most of them must be about the supermassive black hole, multiuniverses, string theory and the list goes on. To be honest I don’t sit and ponder on quantum physics nor am I a huge fan of the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy (but the idea about a ‘Towel’ is the most mind boggling thing I have ever read)

My thoughts on ‘The Parallel Universes’ are slightly closer to how Heenashree Khandelwal writes in ‘Soul mate by chance’ -“Imagination is the parallel universe of a writer. If he is not responding to you in this world, he is probably responding to someone in the imaginary world.”

Is it a feeling like going through a vortex leading us into the other life that we lead or is it a time capsule that we hop onto to land in a whole different era. I think we might just be going through both, in reality and in our imagination.

The Vortex- Its like shuttling to our workplace or going home for a vacation or even a runaway trip to the mountains that we all take once a year. The common factor in all this is that we have a set routine for ourselves to make things easier, unknowingly we all have planned out. We change ourselves to what suits that surrounding and carefully choose our story on what to say or what not to say about this whole other life we are leading. In some way we are all accountable for these lives we live, to ourselves and to others.

The Time machine- I once had to sit through for a dinner meeting in a very fine restaurant. I didn’t concentrate much on the food but at the end they served this banana soufflé for dessert. The moment I had a spoon of it, I went back in time, to that small girl who used to run into the store after school to pick up that banana popsicle and suck it to finish it off before I reached the front door of my house. I felt all my senses back there in that time, I felt like that eleven year old whose major treat for that day was the banana popsicle. I savoured those five minutes that took me back in time, small pleasures in life!

The other life- For sure there must be different answers and opinions to why we this happens to become a way of life for us, here goes mine- it’s one life that we live for others and the other which we live for ourselves, cause yes we humans love ourselves too much. This lifelong search for love for oneself and happiness has led us to create a different plane of existence. Believe it or not these two different worlds that we create is real. We breathe, eat, sleep and have different priorities for each day. We even selectively choose whom to interact with and whom to cut of that list in our social circles. And to add, I think we all try to strike a balance in these lives we live. These worlds that we have created in this universe of ours, we go through it back and fro to create this balance. This is how we pick up ourselves and learn how to lead a more sustainable life.

I am sure those who don’t have a place to run away to, imagines up their universe, the one they could’ve been or will possibly be living in, if you ask me where? Go to a school and look at those kids in a classroom. Look at that one slumped in his chair elbows on the desk pressing his chin into the most comfortable cushion of his palm, the tilted head. Have you wondered if it isn’t his ADD and may be he isn’t daydreaming, he is in the process of building his own world where he will want to live in. There will always be that vortex that he will cross every now and then to bring a balance to his life. Cause happiness is not the only thing people seek in their lives.

#life

The good bit

The good bitShe woke up to the birds chirping, rubbing her eyes slowly, and stopping for a minute. She had that surprised big eyed stare on her face, that sudden moment of realization. She knew she had to do something about it; otherwise her brains would explode into pieces.  She jumped out of  bed , ran to the other room , threw everything out of her bag , scrambled through her things, her eye lit up when she found it. The treasure hunt was over, but now her head was screaming out, “Write it down!”

She took her pen and a bunch of papers and headed out through the doorway, found a spot, pulled the chair aside and slumped down into it. For a minute she just sat there looking at the paper and then the sun. Tracing her lips with her index finger, she felt how chapped it is.

She snapped back, and sat there and penned it all down…

The mobile fell onto the bed, felt like I hit rock bottom, questioning my -self worth was something I never thought I would be doing. The feeling of every nerve in the brain going numb, It was all slowly painfully shutting down, like an end scene to a movie when the screen goes blank . It took him to say those words for me to realize that I was the crazy one there. The high pitched tone still rings in my head, “OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?”

Leaving the phone on, forgetting to recognize he had already cut the call. He had said one day “We are meant for each other but not meant to be together”. Yes, he was gone and this time it was my turn to play my game right, my turn to get up and leave because nobody was sitting at the other end of the table. So what changed, what was my keepsake? Like what a dream catcher would do, I filtered it all, through the spiders web, all the bad ones stuck there and all the good ones trickling down through the soft feathers into my fabricated world. The good bit was taken and that has made the all the difference.

‘The good bit’

________________________________________________________________________________________________When people asked me, they always had that surprised look. They asked, “How did it happen?” I always thought that I should have a make believe story because the reality would be less dramatic for people, but this was way too special for me and the problem – I did not have a story …an exaggerated one… no theatrical setting.  I ponder from time to time on how it would have been if we ever met again. Maybe one day I will, I want to believe so I will. It would bring back a storm. Knocking down my fabricated world, would it paralyze me? Those scenarios, I have played them all in my head. I remember that day, I smile every time I think of it. He remembered it better because that’s how he would always remember me. He told me “you had something dark about you that made me fall for you… Yes! It’s those eyes. The smudged dark black kohl…” For me I was too proud to tell him. It’s when we took that walk on the road that day. I looked up at you and I Knew it. I skipped a beat. I wanted to rationalize my thoughts. I told myself it’s not right. You were the fool’s paradise I entered into. _________________________________________________________________________________________________

She snapped out of it, took the paper tore them into tiny bits. Stood up stretching herself walked towards the well, dropped them. Watched till it settled down, trying to stay afloat and then drowned away. Feeling a sense of relief, sniffing the breakfast cooking up inside. This time she walked in through that doorway, all she thought about was how many minutes she should spend in brushing her teeth. Tilting her head, fixed on that thought and humming that favorite tune in her head ,she knew, she was walking into another phase of life making her next story.

What does heaven look like?

Image

Growing up outside in the middle east, me and my brother, would always look forward to the days when our summer vacations approached and we could come down to India. The most exciting part was to always reach home, go on hop on to grandpas lap everyday and listen to all the mysterious stories of his adventures (most of them where all cooked up, it really did take me time to realize that!).Funny part is some part of me still wants to believe in them.

The one that would strike me the most was the way he described how heaven would look like .He would map it with his hands, with, his gestures he would draw the pathways. It was like ‘Charlie’s chocolate factory’ with cotton candy clouds ,bubble gum flowers ,chocolate syrup waterfalls ,gummy bear mushrooms, ginger bread roof tops and the houses would be covered with yummy frosting ,door knobs would be made of lollipops and the list goes on.

It sounded, like a place where for a child ‘love was in the air ‘.

I still dream of those days when I had spent with him. Every minute was worth it. My charming handsome grandpa, he’s long gone, watching me from that far away land yummy heaven .But his stories remain like words carved on stone.

And a curious me still wonders if that’s what heaven looks like.

Love you grandpa for all those memories

XOXO

Legacy

LEGACY

The most important person in my life is always my mom. I would say if I would ever write a book about my life there wouldn’t be a story without her in it .So her influence on me is immense. She would pat me on the back when I would do a good job, she would tell me which way to stride myself to when I fell out of place and also she even let me take my own decisions even when her instincts gave away .I was never an easy kid to deal with .But she is my best person in the world .What she taught was not how to make money, how to do my math right but to leave a legacy behind that would better the world in your own small way.

All these years she has been there with me .But now since she is back home and I’m all alone in an unknown city trying to make a life, I will surely carry all this along with me. To spread them into the world like ashes of a bone fire in the wind and reach all corners of the world.

I came to write something like this because of a friend who is going through a hard time in life that I had too. I would like her and anyone who would be going through problems in life mentally and physically to know that:

When you are in the darkest of darkest places believe that there still a little good left in the world and try to make it grow. Always tell a friend in trouble that everything SHOULD be right and not give them an alternative of ‘what ifs’. Do follow your dreams and also help someone to follow theirs .Believe in love however doubtful you might be .Always remember that not everything needs to have a fairy tale  Hollywood or filmy bollywood ending but there is always a good ending .To get that good ending you can always find something good each day that has made you smile .

If you don’t who else will be there to tell the future generations that there is a life out there that is full of dreams, which aren’t just castles in the air and how to live without fear of failure in a world where everything goes wrong .

If I ever had to say anything this would be it .This would be how you should leave yourself a legacy.